I’ve been exploring how what we think of ourselves impacts what we perceive, the information we choose to engage with and the decisions we make. How self-worth and self-esteem is impacted by a multiplicity of influences which combine in unique ways at different times in our lives.
I’m ok you’re Ok is a founding principle of TA psychotherapy.
While the phrase was coined by Ernst it captures so much of Eric Berne’s (1961) concepts that it has become a shorthand for one of the aims of therapy: To know we are OK, others are OK and that we can get on with life, script free, responding to the needs of the moment, knowing we are safe and connected.
There are several key processes involved, two of which are memory and mentalization.
Without memory there would be no building blocks to construct an idea of ourselves.
Without mentalization, the ability to think about thinking, (Wallin, 2007) we would have no process to connect the blocks. I would not even be able to write these words.
Addressing memory and mentalising is key then for therapy.
Memory is a key mechanism to the formation of the self, without it we could not learn from our experience, build up a picture of the things that work and the things that don’t. Neither could we learn from watching others.
As we move through our day we take in an astonishing amount of information in the form of sensory input – we could not possibly explicitly, consciously remember all of that. Instead, our brains pattern match, we form narratives, make meaning and we encode this in the form of memory.
Our neurobiology is so sophisticated that it changes and responds to the input we give it across a lifetime, allowing us to remember, learn and develop.
Over time our memories form a sense of who we are: of what we think of ourselves.
What happens when we can’t remember? When trauma disrupts a timeline, leaves us with amnesia, or when important aspects of how we came to be are not shared with us for example when children are adopted?
Usually we fill in with the most likely narrative, one that fits the patterns of our life, prioritises our survival and balances this with connection to others.
It’s energy efficient, important for survival and mostly it works – except when it doesn’t.
When our perception is skewed towards being not OK, or we have been told by others we are not OK, then we can fill in the narrative gaps with patterns that keep us stuck rather than helping us grow and develop.
At the moment we think we are the only species who can think about thinking (Wallin 2007). Though this is in the process of changing with the advent of sophisticated quantum learning tools.
Mentalizing is a form of imagination that means we can perceive and interpret behaviour (ours and others) in terms of intentional mental states. What we need, what we desire, how we feel, our goals in life, our dreams, our impact on others -how they might feel when we take certain actions.
Our capacity to mentalize is closely related to our attachment. Our early interactions with our primary care givers direct our attention to the pattern and give it meaning. This in turn gives us a narrative for the pattern and then a memory.
We learn to identify and name our thinking, our sensations our needs and then to distinguish these from wants, as well as desired and undesired ways of expressing those.
This becomes a feedback loop. The child who can correctly identify a sensation in a way that is understood by the care giver can ask for what they need and is more likely to be successful. They then have agency and it builds their sense of being OK in the world which mean they are more likely to ask for what they need. The foundation of I’m OK you’re OK.
The opposite is also true, children who cannot identify their needs are less successful in getting them met, meaning they are less likely to ask and go on to have less agency. A child in this situation, especially one for whom this is the norm, is much more likely to from and insecure attachment and to struggle with thinking well of themselves, to become hyper-independent and struggle to trust.